Learning to Sleep Alone

There are a lot of things you immediately have to face when separated. The first is sleeping, or trying to, sleep alone. Not only was my husband gone, but so were my pets. My home suddenly did not feel like home and every time I even sat on our bed, I would break down and think of all the memories we shared. All the sex we had, movies and funny Youtube videos we watched and all the times he held me in his arms replayed in my head over and over. I did not have my dog to invite up and lay with me or my cat staring at me.

I would put on his shirts (the very few he left behind), grab the stuffed animal foxes he had gotten me, sprayed his cologne on them and held to them for dear life. Usually I did not fall asleep on the bed without the assistance of alcohol. Some nights I would sleep on the couch after taking my Xanax. Other nights, most nights, I just did not go to sleep at all.

I could not find it in me to sleep with anyone else. The thought of anyone else lying in my husbands spot in our bed made me sick.

My family, who I had not really been close to during the duration of the marriage, often invited me to come visit an hour and a half away. I knew I could have left the apartment, but the discomfort was so strong I would break down, actually more like have full blown panic attacks. My family member have their own problems that make a divorce at 21 look like nothing so I tried to suppress how bad things were. After about three weeks I stopped spraying the cologne and sometimes I left the stuffed animals on the other side of the bed. That is all the improvement I have made so far.

I move in two days and I will have a new bed, but I know things will still be hard, if not harder. Will I still run to the old apartment and sleep here for the last few weeks I still have access to it? I am giving him the furniture because I am a student, when will he take it? Am I going to fall apart when I suddenly don’t have access to the bed we shared so many nights together in? I really am scared, and every night is an absolute challenge and every morning is a surprise that I am still here. I don’t feel like I am living, I feel like I am functioning like a wind up toy.

I am taking the old Walmart quilt with me that we had on our bed and putting it on my new one. I don’t know if that is healthy or not, I just know I am doing the best I can. I don’t know how I am supposed to call a new place home. Even if it’s unhealthy… I still need pieces of him, of us… but it makes me feel like I will never be okay.

4 thoughts on “Learning to Sleep Alone

  1. Life is full of tough things. It was hard for me to adjust in some ways after my wife had left me and our children but in time God helped heal the wounds. i will pray for you and May this be a new start of the future.

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  2. ive been through your writing works and i like your style of writing, done with emotion and the desire to write wot you need to say you do it wonderfully, the ones who feel you owe their families some type of thanx, because they semi accepted you into the fold,but only to goad you, belittle you, its a disgrace, they will never be the person you are, willing to put your life for all to see is so brave, i applaud you, ur now one of my heroes, id love to read all what you write, with your blessing that is, u giv me strength as i ended up with writers block, im gonna get bak on it, a lot has happened in my life that i want to write about, my graaaaaammmmmmmaaa is rubbish lol

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  3. My Name is Barkley. I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another man..,When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her facebook and she changed her facebook status from engage to Single…when i went to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life…I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job…he told me he gonna help me…i don’t believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to Germany the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he’s busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday.My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done ..she said,she never knew what she’s doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again.it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my my girl friend called and he said i haven’t seen anything yet… he said i will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i should resume work on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit i have spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with a baby boy and i have my job back too.This man is really powerful..if we have up to 20 people like him in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for help.you can mail him to priest_fadhili_chausiku@priest.com, I cant give out his number cos he told me he don’t want to be disturbed by many people across the world..he said his email is okay and he also have a web site if you want to visit him there’ he will replied to any emails asap..hope he helped u out too..good luck. his web site is http://fadhilichausiku.webs.com/

    BARKLEY

    Liked by 1 person

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