I Don’t Know Who I Am

When my best friend raped me and my family abandoned me, I lost myself. I changed. At the time I did not know it but I had developed PTSD. My husband appeared to me as my knight in shining armor. He saved me from completely losing myself. But what was left of me was so broken and I was around my husband so much I guess I began to identify as just being with him. As long as I was with him, I felt okay and safe. Even when things got a little violent, even when he left holes in doors and would grab me. In the end, as long as I was with him, I felt I was home.

He left and took my pets and everything that really mattered. He left and took my home with him because he is my home. I do not know who I am without him. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I thought I had developed bipolar depression because I was acting and feeling so different. When it was not bipolar I thought it was BPD.  PTSD is not always what you see in the war movies. I was raped and lost everything including myself. What used to be me molded into something very dependent of my husband…. and now that he is gone I feel gone.

I do not feel comfortable with myself, I don’t feel comfortable around others most of the time. Its been almost 2 months and I feel hollow and lifeless. It really feels like I have lost my identity. The girl I was before I got raped is a complete and total stranger, her old home does not feel like home to me. I can’t get back to that girl because I know things now that she did not and see the whole world differently. And now without my husband, I feel like I can barely see at all.

The things I am capable of feeling are unbearable, I am partially scared I might actually become an alcoholic or addicted to my medication (now Klonopin) because I can’t stand being in my own head thinking the way I do, feeling the things I do feel. I am drowning in total darkness.

When we were together, before I even attempted suicide, we were lying in bed. I told him my biggest fear had changed. I used to be scared of getting chased and having the person catch me and I would be paralyzed with fear. My new biggest fear was losing him. Now I know why. I am paralyzed without him.

I am blind and have no identity. I do not know how to become my own person. I do not know how to find what feels like home. Regardless of how unhealthy it was or sounds, I was in the dark and he was my only light and now that that light is put out the darkness is even more haunting. I did not just lose my husband, I lost myself. PTSD is one thing… divorce is another… but when the marriage was the one positive thing you have had since developing PTSD… divorce is a nightmare. I am living my biggest fear.

9 thoughts on “I Don’t Know Who I Am

  1. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. However deep in the dark you feel, know that there’s light all around you. It just takes a few steps (in any direction) before you can see it sometimes. You havent lost yourself completely. You’ll get through this.

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  2. I’m so sad that you are enduring things most people will never fully understand. That will make you a good counselor one day. Or even just a good friend, if the idea of bathing in the misery of others is too stressful. I understand pieces of your pain, and have other pieces you don’t. I won’t tell my story here because this is about you. The hardest part of life is losing your sense of home, the place where you belong, where you feel accepted and understood. Some people never have it at all because their families never provided it. But we can see that other people have it, and we want it to. Why don’t we have it? What’s wrong with us that people don’t love us that way? Well, the only thing you can do is make home in your own heart, and then no one can ever take it from you. You have it no matter where you are. You have to make a safe space in your heart where you know support and forgiveness. Where your guiding light can shine, helping you make good decisions. Make a list of things that improve your mood, here are some of mine — short walks, healthy food, good books, tea or coffee with a friend, a good movie, making something, creating a character, telling a piece of my story, developing an internal dialogue that is positive. I regularly tell myself these simple things, and I’ve come to believe they are true, because I’ve made them true: I can do this. I am worthy. I made a good choice. I will do better next time. I deserve a clean room. I don’t need [toxic things]. The more you say the right things to yourself, the more you drag yourself toward a better place. The safer you are in your own skin. The more people will wonder how you did it. And you will feel like a Super Healer, a person with strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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