I Don’t Know Who I Am

When my best friend raped me and my family abandoned me, I lost myself. I changed. At the time I did not know it but I had developed PTSD. My husband appeared to me as my knight in shining armor. He saved me from completely losing myself. But what was left of me was so broken and I was around my husband so much I guess I began to identify as just being with him. As long as I was with him, I felt okay and safe. Even when things got a little violent, even when he left holes in doors and would grab me. In the end, as long as I was with him, I felt I was home.

He left and took my pets and everything that really mattered. He left and took my home with him because he is my home. I do not know who I am without him. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I thought I had developed bipolar depression because I was acting and feeling so different. When it was not bipolar I thought it was BPD.  PTSD is not always what you see in the war movies. I was raped and lost everything including myself. What used to be me molded into something very dependent of my husband…. and now that he is gone I feel gone.

I do not feel comfortable with myself, I don’t feel comfortable around others most of the time. Its been almost 2 months and I feel hollow and lifeless. It really feels like I have lost my identity. The girl I was before I got raped is a complete and total stranger, her old home does not feel like home to me. I can’t get back to that girl because I know things now that she did not and see the whole world differently. And now without my husband, I feel like I can barely see at all.

The things I am capable of feeling are unbearable, I am partially scared I might actually become an alcoholic or addicted to my medication (now Klonopin) because I can’t stand being in my own head thinking the way I do, feeling the things I do feel. I am drowning in total darkness.

When we were together, before I even attempted suicide, we were lying in bed. I told him my biggest fear had changed. I used to be scared of getting chased and having the person catch me and I would be paralyzed with fear. My new biggest fear was losing him. Now I know why. I am paralyzed without him.

I am blind and have no identity. I do not know how to become my own person. I do not know how to find what feels like home. Regardless of how unhealthy it was or sounds, I was in the dark and he was my only light and now that that light is put out the darkness is even more haunting. I did not just lose my husband, I lost myself. PTSD is one thing… divorce is another… but when the marriage was the one positive thing you have had since developing PTSD… divorce is a nightmare. I am living my biggest fear.